Fourteen: Growing Up Alone in a Crowd

Rating:
Summary: courageous, wrenching exploration of crowded, chaotic youth
Review: Stephen Zanichkowsky's parents left his thirteen siblings and him nothing in their last wills, but that was far more than the fourteen children ever received as they grew up in a violent, fear-saturated home. In "Fourteen," Zanichkowsky has drawn a portrait of a home mangled by its size, stunted in ints physical and emotional repressions, fractured by loss of individuality and self-determination. Scarred and bowed by this tormented past, Zanichkowsky nevertheless has marshalled the courage to recall his past and summoned the courage the unflinchingly recount it. "Fourteen" hurts to read and stands as a sober warning -- not only about excessive family size, but about lack of connection between parents and their children.

The subtitle of the memoir, "Growing Up Alone in a Crowd," symbolizes the alienation -- from parents, siblings and self -- Zanichkowsky experiences in his childhood homes. Traditional social anchors, such as the Catholic Church, school and neighborhood, cannot compensate for the fact that "our parents hadn't loved us." The sheer number of children and their quick, regular appearance obliterate coherence, quality of life and a sense of acceptance. The "brutality of motherhood" transforms Johanna Zanichkowsky into a resigned, bewildered and defeated woman, one who gains solace from God but not from family. Her maniacal penchant for violence clashes dissonantly with her near fatalistic resignation and frightening apathy towards her children. Stephen's father, Martin, omnipotent and wrathful, dominates the home; he is never reluctant to dispense absolutely bestial beatings with "the stick," a much-used hardwood bed slat.

Amidst the chaotic "motion and commotion," Stephen drives himself to "seek comfort and salvation in solitude." He does so burdened that not only will he never be understood, he must carry the shame that the "possibility of understanding myself" will be forever closed. Education and school, instead of liberating him, freeze Stephen to a sense of separation. The strangeness of his family, exacerbated by sexual ambivalence, compels him to confront differences. He is no more successful than his brothers or sisters in attaining an intact sense of self. Unloved and untethered, the Zanichkowsky children engage in theft, sexual exploration and violation, and dissociative behaviors which dog them even as adults.

Fear is the corrosive element defining the children's relationships with their parents. Avoidance of punishment creates distanced, amoral and pragmatic children, whose simmering resentments must be sublimated and displaced. The Zanichkowsky household, at is elemental level, is an ongoing laboratory of Hobbseian despair -- it is mean, nasy, brutish, but never short.

Reading "Fourteen" requires patience and empathy. The author seeks the written word as therapy, and despite his lean, powerful prose, Stephen Zanichkowsky holds out no false promise for himself. "Fourteen" is unrelentingly honest, and the inspired purity of his distilled memories and keenly-felt realizations educate. Readers can only imagine the true costs on the author.

Rating:
Summary: Bleh....
Review: The first thing to say is that this is superb writing. The description of the church on page 2 and the breakup of ice on the Hudson on page 256 are among the finest pieces of English prose I've read.
Of course these memoirs of terrible childhoods demand to be judged by other criteria. One problem is always whether they are true. This seems to have good collateral confirmation. An unique feature is the sympathetic attempt to understand the characters and motivations of the abusers, although at the end they remain inscrutable behind the shielding mask of religious fanaticism.
Did these children all get [messed] up? If they did was their parents fault? Is there some natural inborn resilience? Was the fact of being fourteen abusive in and of itself?
Of the two children who emerged with major psychiatric problems, one was brain-damaged and the other was away from the home for five years. Jimmy. the second of these, remains a mystery.
Were the writer's problems due to his parents? Is he that messed up a human being anyway? (A licensed electrician, furniture maker and carpenter who is a well-reviewed published writer sounds pretty successful). There's a lot of questions in there. I don't pretend to answer them, and the book doesn't answer them all, but it gives insights into them that are well worth reading.
One minor question, which may be irrrelevant. Why did the parents speak Lithuanian to each other when the father was a Russian Orthodox Ukrainian?

Rating:
Summary: it's the real story
Review: This is a marvelous book. He writes of abuse and degradation without feeling sorry for himself. He tries to understand without resorting to justification or pity. I'm sure it took him a lot of therapy to get to the point where he could create this book, but it was money very well spent.

If anyone wants to read more about the neighborhood he grew up in, I recommend "Spider Stumbled" by Frank Paul Venis.

Rating:
Summary: Parents who created an empire but gave their kids nothing
Review: This story may involve the uniqueness of growing up among fourteen sibs, but it sure isn't a "Cheaper by the Dozen" story. This is an adult's survivor story about his unrequited quest to be loved by his own parents.

Poor Stephen Zanichkowsky never had a chance. As the eighth child out of fourteen, he had a childhood of missing out on most of the things kids need. Money was mostly tight until family fortunes changed later on. As you would expect, the kids were sick of doing endless chores, of living in cramped living quarters, of eating canned goods, and of being surrounded by dirty diapers. Such complaints soon seem trivial, as you read Stephen describe a childhood devoid of any emotional nurturing. Stephen's only memories of communications with the folks involve them belittling and bullying him, if they communicated at all. The young, fragile, defenseless kids grew up in fear of their evil Father. Father was mostly absent, when he wasn't brutally beating his kids with a stick for corporeal punishment. Mother was equally evil, although Stephen describes her in terms of being overwhelmed. This is a much kinder description than Mother deserves, as you find out when you hear how one night, helped by the family priest, she drops off her most bullied and victimized child at a mental institution. She offers no explanation to the other thirteen sibs about his overnight absence. The brood soon learned to do anything to avoid the brutality of their parents. They have no hesitation to deflect blame on another sibling. Since Stephen's horrible parents are religious zealots, it is also only a matter of time before Stephen is zapped of his faith in God.

Stephen vents, "therapy style", and at times it gets long winded, but you forgive him because you become surprised. As he vents, it is obvious that he knows very little about child abuse. Clearly his therapists have failed him. As is very typical of victims of child abuse, Stephen offers excuses. Basically he says: " Mother was worn out from all the kids. She was just overwhelmed. When she beat us, sometimes for no good reason, she meant well. We were bad..." It is astonishing that he is completely unaware that he has what many institutionalized orphans experience. He has attachment issues. He has no memories of warm physical contact with his Mom, something vital for emotional stability. No wonder he is groundless, and so alone, despite having so many sibs.

Again, you are surprised as he describes how some of his sibs deny his descriptions of what happened and how he repeatedly insists that it did happen. Of course it happened. Of course the sibs were in denial. You suspect even worse things happened to the daughters, one of whom had special needs. There is no doubt in your mind that all were abused and neglected emotionally. You want to send the author an E-mail, urging him to read more about abandonment, neglect, and abuse of children. You write a review at 2 am for Amazon.com, the moment you finish the book. You hope he'll see your review soon. You hope your words will give him the feeling of a tight hug. Stephen deserves that hug.

Rating:
Summary: Parents who created an empire but gave their kids nothing
Review: This story may involve the uniqueness of growing up among fourteen sibs, but it sure isn't a "Cheaper by the Dozen" story. This is an adult's survivor story about his unrequited quest to be loved by his own parents.

Poor Stephen Zanichkowsky never had a chance. As the eighth child out of fourteen, he had a childhood of missing out on most of the things kids need. Money was mostly tight until family fortunes changed later on. As you would expect, the kids were sick of doing endless chores, of living in cramped living quarters, of eating canned goods, and of being surrounded by dirty diapers. Such complaints soon seem trivial, as you read Stephen describe a childhood devoid of any emotional nurturing. Stephen's only memories of communications with the folks involve them belittling and bullying him, if they communicated at all. The young, fragile, defenseless kids grew up in fear of their evil father. Father was mostly absent, when he wasn't brutally beating his kids with a stick for corporal punishment. Mother was equally evil, although Stephen describes her in terms of being overwhelmed. This is a much kinder description than Mother deserves, as you find out when you hear how one night, helped by the family priest, she drops off her most bullied and victimized child at a mental institution. She offers no explanation to the other thirteen sibs about his long term diappearance. The brood soon learns to do anything to avoid the brutality of their parents. They have no hesitation to deflect blame on another sibling. Since Stephen's horrible parents are religious zealots, it is also only a matter of time before Stephen is zapped of his faith in God.

Stephen vents, "therapy style", and at times it gets long winded, but you forgive him because you become surprised. As he vents, it is obvious that he knows very little about child abuse. Clearly his therapists have failed him. As is very typical of victims of child abuse, Stephen offers excuses. Basically he says: " Mother was worn out from all the kids. She was just overwhelmed. When she beat us, sometimes for no good reason, she meant well. We were bad..." It is astonishing that he is completely unaware that he has what many institutionalized orphans experience. He has attachment issues. He has no memories of warm physical contact with his Mom, something vital for emotional stability. No wonder he is groundless, and so alone, despite having so many sibs.

Again, you are surprised as he describes how some of his sibs deny his descriptions of what happened and how he repeatedly insists that it did happen. Of course it happened. Of course the sibs were in denial. You suspect even worse things happened to the daughters, one of whom had special needs. There is no doubt in your mind that all were abused and neglected emotionally. You want to send the author an E-mail, urging him to read more about abandonment, neglect, and abuse of children. You write a review at 2 am for Amazon.com, the moment you finish the book. You hope he'll see your review soon. You hope your words will give him the feeling of a tight hug. Stephen deserves that hug.

Rating:
Summary: it's the real story
Review: Without pity or too much drama, Stephen Zanichowsky write the story for every one of us who grew up in a large family. The book works as a form of his own therapy, but inspires me to face what happened to me, even just for my own benefit of trying to understand or make sense of what happens in a family in which the parents are overwhelmed by too many children, too little resources, and too many human failings. Reading Zanichowsky's story reminded me of my own experiences, many memories that have been buried. I wonder about Zanichowsky's siblings--how they felt about this book. It would take amazing courage to write this book, and a great deal of forgiveness from all of the siblings to publish the real story of their growing up.