Everybody's Different: Understanding and Changing Our Reactions to Disabilities

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Summary: an eye-opening book
Review: Anyone who reads this book will come away with a better understanding and ability to deal with others. It's a fun read, full of useful information and excellent resources. A must read not only for those professionals working in health care, but for the general public. My 14 year old son read this and came away with some valuable insights.

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Summary: What do you do when your child is different?
Review: No parent wants their child to be noticed as different from the norm. You want a healthy, happy child who fits in and makes you proud. But what do you do when your child is different? Speaking for myself, I had a hard time when my son was diagnosed with autism many years ago. I walked around looking out of the corner of my eye ready to pounce upon people for their reactions. Actually it was more my perceptions of their reactions. Not to mention the perpetual knot in the pit of my stomach. Like many parents whose children are different, it felt to me that I was battling the whole world.

I wish we had Everybody's Different, the new book by Nancy Miller and Catherine Sammons, much sooner. Life is definitely easier when you understand your own reactions as well as those of others while realizing that you are not alone--not by a long stretch. Everybody's Different: Understanding and Changing Our Reactions to Disabilities is an enlightened and enlightening look at the many differences that exist amongst people in every walk of life and which need not divide us socially. The authors patiently and thoroughly help the reader to understand our internal emotional reactions to disabilities and the differences that result from those conditions. They teach us strategies to build our lives and our families and our communities in a way that is inclusive and respectful of our differences.

Together the authors have over 50 years of experience as practitioners who have worked with children and adults with disabilities and their families. They begin by helping the reader understand how and why we react to the broad spectrum of differences. All too often we are limited by our assumptions about how people look, move, communicate, behave, and learn. (Each of these categories of difference has a thorough chapter devoted to it.) When people are different we tend to stare and compare, so learning how our brains are actually "wired" to notice differences that seem unfamiliar or unsettling is very useful. From there we can move forward and develop better understanding and increased skills for interacting with people who have disability differences.

The authors present a useful model which they call "The 4D Approach." The steps involve: first, detecting the difference; second, deciding or evaluating the situation; third, doing or taking action; and finally, debriefing to make it better the next time. This approach can be used in classrooms, communities, and work places by teachers, therapists, and trainers, as well as by parents, relatives, and friends of people who have differences caused by their disabilities.
Many of the chapters apply specifically to children and adults with autism. Perhaps the most obvious difference is that of behavior. When my son who is now almost twenty starts "stimming," I automatically want him to stop and act "normal." Internally my reaction can be rather desperate for I don't want him AND me to be noticed as different. I also still find myself trying to avoid taking photographs when he is not behaving "normally." There is a certain image I prefer of him in my head, as much as I hate to admit that. But his behaviors are, after all, a part of him.

Even though I would consider myself a veteran, Everybody's Different helped me understand and own up to these reactions. It has taken me some time, but eventually I am learning to love my son, Tariq, not despite his differences--but rather because of them. The knot in my gut is long gone. Now for the most part I can look comfortably around me. I can notice what must have been there before--the friendly faces and kind eyes of compassionate folks.

Everybody's Different provides a rare blend of compassion, scholarship, and practical guidance in a style readable by a broad audience. At times as the reader, I found myself wishing for more passion from the authors. By the end, however, I realized that it was precisely the authors' very balanced approach that is so useful. For those of us who are parents of children with autism, the journey involves understanding and changing our reactions to this very perplexing difference in our children. With Everybody's Different, Dr. Miller and Dr. Sammons can help us get there a little sooner.