His Needs, Her Needs

Rating:
Summary: A reflection of the worst in American society
Review: I read this book some months ago.I was so shocked by its
obvious sexism ,I couldn't find the words to say what
dislike I have for its writer.Unfortunately this mindset is
common in the evangelical world.The woman has to be a perfect
image of beauty or her worth as a person is less.He condones
plastic surgery because he states"men are visual" and if I
hear that one more time,,I'm going to get sick!Women are
visual too but no one wants us to think that because it might
take away controll from the patriarchial far right,,,because it
leaves one to ponder maybe a woman IS a full human being and
not just a sex object for an arrogant mindless evangelical
crusading moron.Need I say more??

Rating:
Summary: Preventative medicine for relationships...
Review: I was directed to this book by a friend whose husband recently had an affair on her. My fiancee and I had been having trouble and, though no one was having an affair, we were having trouble that finally resulted in us postponing the wedding.

I can't say for certain whether or not the book will help, but it did resonate with me -- and with my fiancee, although she's still in the process of reading it.

Harley's basic thesis is that to make marriage work, each partner has to do things that continue building love. In his terminology, you have to keep getting "positive deposits of love units in your Love Bank."

Now, as cheesy as the "Love Bank" analogy is, I think it is useful, although he relies on it extremely heavily and I'm not sure that is so productive. It seems like it runs a danger of creating a constant state of paranoia about screwing up and making the other person unhappy.

Of course, in my own relationship, that's exactly the state I've been in for months...

He breaks down human needs to ten areas, five of which are (generally) most important to men and five of which are (generally) most important to women -- although every couple is unique, he points out regularly.

The needs are:
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty & Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration


So maybe there is something to thinking about the Love Bank. Maybe there is merit to the idea that you focus yourself on fulfilling your partner's needs. Perhaps it is useful to constantly think about what actions you can perform that will get you deposits instead of withdrawals from the Love Bank.

The one piece of advice that I think is most outrageous is when he says, as part of "Recreational Companionship," that couples should begin eliminating recreational activities that both partners don't enjoy or take part in. So I have to completely purge myself of video games, writing reviews on Epinions, and other assorted activities while my fiancee must completely purge herself of sewing. Cooking we can keep because, while I don't care to cook, I avidly enjoy the eating phase, so it's still a joint activity.

I do understand his rationale on this -- it is more helpful to the relationship to do activities that we both enjoy together than to do individual activities separately. But he's recommending giving up things that you love to do, and even activities that may not bother your spouse, just as a preventative measure because such activities might, in the future, cause some sort of discord between you. While I can't fault his logic, it seems unreasonable and extreme. In his defense, Harley makes it clear that this is one of the most controversial aspects of his program -- but he sticks with it.

Aside from that, I found few problems with Harley's thinking. Basically, he's saying that to stay married you have to stay in love and in order to stay in love you must continue trying to please your spouse. If it has any fault, it's probably that it's too simple for today's complex world.

This, I think, is part of the problem with society instead of with this book: the world is so complex that people aren't taking the time to actually devote themselves to their spouse.

Rating:
Summary: Real information
Review: If you are having trouble with your marriage, you basically have two choices. First, you can go to a psychologist who will sit & listen passively while you try to solve your own problem, afterwhich he or she will prepare you for the impending divorce and make you feel good about it. Or, you can take your marriage into your own hands by sitting down with your spouse and working through issues. The latter is, of course, easier said than done because by the time the marriage is in trouble, a couple cannot have a conversation about the weather without getting into a violent disagreement.

In comes marriage "coaching," a word I would ascribe to this book's premise. Dr Harley's book is focused in on a framework and has identified the major reasons that couples have trouble with their marriages. These include things that are typically "his" misdeeds, like dishonesty, spending too little time with the family, and affection, and "her" misdeeds, which include things like nagging, lack of interest in sex, etc.

Of course, these are generalizations, and any misdeed that might by typically "manly" might apply to the woman, or vice versa. Still, most typical marriage problems likely have the components that are covered in this book.

Lest readers be frightened by this book by some of the negative reviews, let me say that while the author does tend to stereotype males and females, he does so in light of the fact that there are, in fact, differences in the way men and women think. If you wish there were a world where men and women were identical in every way, this book won't be for you. If you think that a man "should not" think of women in a sexual way, divorce your husband (assuming he has testosterone flowing through his body) and marry someone who doesn't. Writing a book that suggests that men or women "should not" think a certain way won't make it so.

As respects cosmetic surgery, the chapter that addresses that issue also notes that no one should have cosmetic surgery unless both ENTHUSIASTICALLY AGREE that such surgery is necessary. I know that some will automatically think that this chapter will have men rushing out to suggest breast implants for their wives. But, in fact, I have known many who have had their lives changed in a dramatic way by having cosmetic surgery to correct things that can't otherwise be changed, such as physical deformities.

You may need to hire a marriage counselor who is open minded enough to use this program as a guide in order to get things started, depending on the state of your relationship. But,in contrast to the "solve your own problem" approach employed by many psychologists, you will actually have a fighting chance of saving your marriage if you have a roadmap to follow, such as the one in this book.

Rating:
Summary: Great Instructions
Review: This book helps readers to survive the entire ordeal by providing them with step-by-step guidance that minimizes suffering and offers hope for a loving and trusting relationship.
I ALSO RECOMMENNDED: SEX AND THE PERFECT LOVER BY MABEL IAM, this book helped me to end a totally dead end relationship.