Fodor's Bermuda, 24th Edition

Rating:
Summary: Forget the book, I've lived there
Review: Ah, Bermuda. How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.

1. Overpriced airline tickets. Why go to London for $299 when you can pay $650 to get to Bermuda?

2. Long lines at airport immigration. Sure, why should I enjoy my vacation when I can spend 90 minutes waiting in line at the airport listening to cheesy "Caribbean" music?

3. Overpriced hotels. Cost the same as a 4-star fancy resort, only with crummy amenities, rude service, and lousy restaurants.

4. Lack of transportation. You can't rent a car in Bermuda, but you can rent a scooter (deathmobile). Tourists on scooters are the #1 cause of injury in Bermuda - you can see them all when they leave the island with their arms in slings and huge "Bermuda road rash". Except for the 3 that died this year - they didn't get to go home. The bus is unreliable, the ferries are inconvenient, and the cabs are overpriced, unreliable, and inconvenient.

5. Nothing to do when it rains. I mean nothing. Zip. Oh, they say there are things to do. Go to the "Crystal Caves". Save your money, I've been on the tour. Ever seen a cave with stalagtites and stalagmites? Now a tour guide says, "There's one that looks like a banana." That's it. That's the caves. Try the Bermuda Underwater Exploration Institute (BUEI). What a joke - 5 or 6 exhibits that haven't been updated since the 1970s. Yeah, that's worth $20.

6. Bermudians hate tourists. A lot. Some of them are nice to you in front of your face, but as soon as you turn around you better believe they are putting you down to their "mate" standing next to them. Why do you think tourism revenues keep falling year after year?

7. Too cold to enjoy the beach in the winter. When it's cold out, I like to go to Jamaica or the Bahamas, where it's 85 degrees and I can go in the water. In Bermuda, the tourist season is May - November because it's chilly the rest of the year and not pleasant to go to the beach.

8. Rising crime. As the police have cracked down on drug importation, the cost of drugs has risen as has the crime rate. People are mugged in broad daylight in the middle of town by hoodlums wielding machetes! Guest houses are subject to frequent break-ins. Everyone I know in Bermuda has been burglarised (or attempted) at least once. Believe it or not, even in this tiny, wealthy community there is significant gang violence. Also, there are a number of vagrants that hang around the main area of town accosting passers-by. A few years ago, one of them went nuts and stabbed a guy in the back in the middle of the day on the busiest street in town.

9. Did I mention they hate America? You should have seen the smug looks on their faces after 9/11. They enjoyed watching the US "taken down a peg". A few months after 9/11, a judge told a friend of mine (in court) that Americans just need to "get over it". I personally heard a judge in traffic court say that driving without liability insurance is "just like driving a plane towards the World Trade Center". Then he laughed because he thought he made a funny joke.

Overall, save your money, enjoy your vacation, and let Bermuda reap what it's tourist-hating and America-hating population is sowing.