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Summary: How does one identify a blackmailer?
Review: Although I found this book to contain some very good information, I believe it is somewhat leading.Almost everyone could fall into the category of being an emotional blackmailer or being the victim of such a person. In reading the material, search for the truth and not for identification. The author makes the point that, though blackmailers actually want to hold onto their victims, they attempt to devalue them, using information their targets willingly supply. At what point in the victim's life did he or she become vulnerable to being blackmailed? How did he or she become helpless against the people who use fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate them? The author shows how a process of change will enable victims to answer these questions and break free of the cycle. The ultimate goal is to learn to say, "no" without feeling guilty. This book is only a first step in a long journey. It told me that I should not assume something about others until I get to know myself. Before saying "no," I have to want to say, "no."
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Summary: Don't buy into the blackmail
Review: Don't be a blackmailer and don't buy into the blackmail. Learn to recognize your own triggers and disconnect. Even if you don't have a pattern of emotional blackmail you can learn to recognize behaviors in yourself that are like blackmail. This is a valuable book for disconnecting from people pushing your hot buttons.
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Summary: About time . . .
Review: For years I was satisfied just reading about other's experiences, not wanting to believe that my own were as bad. If you read books like "A Child Called It" or the bestseller "The Bark of the Dogwood," then you know what I'm talking about. But when I finally came around and admitted what I had been through, this was the book I sought out. This book allowed me to see that I can have control over my life. I had been pulled into some very difficult situations with my parents, and Dr. Forward allowed me to see that this didn't have to be the case anymore. Some of her techniques, such as non-defensive communication, were very difficult to put into practice. Something that was particularly important for me personally in the book was the part at the end where she talks about not emotionally blackmailing *yourself*! What an insight! It is impossible for an author to address every specific detail of every reader's personal situation. But this is as close as you can get. Forward gives stories and testimonials of people she has worked with who have used her techniques with success. Unlike other authors that do this, however, Forward does not simply apply the techniques to those situations and expect that you'll be able to apply it to a scenario of your own. She separates the stories from the guidelines. She provides some fantastic exercises for further clarity of the techniques she describes.
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Summary: Good advice
Review: Forward provides useful analysis of the problem and helpful tips to help readers find their assertive selves. I use this a lot in my counseling work. Highly recommended.
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Summary: Pearls of Wisdom for Everyone
Review: I have done a pretty thorough reading of books dealing with control, cults, emotional abuse, etc. I feel like I could write a thesis on this stuff by now. This was the best all around. I am a third party observing a loved one in a controlling relationship. There isn't a book out there that really addresses my situation, but I have gleaned wisdom from many. What I love about this book is that it gives very concrete strategies for dealing with controlling people. The strategies are very well laid out, lots of examples of phrases that neutralize the offender. As a therapist, she also addresses the discomfort many of us would likely encounter when trying to put these strategies into practice. In addition to the concrete information on strategies, she describes why it might be hard to recognize that you are in an unhealthy controlling situation and how to know for sure. She helps clarify the personal damage victims of control sustain. I have become much more aware of people in my life that may be using unhealthy methods of control and have used the advice to stop, think and strategize to help me. It even helped me become a little wiser to ploys of friends of my kids. This book shows us how to resolve unhealthy control without necessarily having to end the relationship. With these techniques everyone might just come out a winner.
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Summary: RISE ABOVE YOUR RAISING - HOSTAGE NO LONGER
Review: I strongly recommend this book for anyone seeking to find help with mood disorders, any type of addiction, identity issues, self-esteem issues, reoccurring unresolved anger and troubling relationship, boundary and trust issues. Excellent compliments to this book are: Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss and James Masterson; The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert Pressman; Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man by Scott Wetzler; The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders by Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen; Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson; Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown; Treating Attachment Disorders: From Theory to Therapy by Karl Heinz Brisch and Kenneth Kronenberg; Toxic Coworkers: How to Deal with Dysfunctional People on the Job by Alan Cavaiola and Neil Lavender; ; Bully in Sight: How to Predict, Resist, Challenge and Combat Workplace Bullies by Tim Field. And if you want to pursue the subject even further, you may be interested in reading The Narcissistic / Borderline Couple: A Psychoanalytic Perspective On Marital Treatment; Sickened: The Memoir of a Munchausen by Proxy Childhood by Julie Gregory and Marc Feldman; Whatever Mother Says: An Incredible True Story of Death and Destruction Inside One Ordinary Family by Wensley Clarkson; Twisted Roots of Evil by Susan Kesegich; Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Jim Fay and Foster Cline.
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Summary: Downright quotable
Review: I was doing a little research at my local public library on the process of dying and its impacts on families, esp. children, when I happened across this book. The title immediately resonated with regard to a situation I'm tangentially involved in. I read a couple of pages and -had- to borrow it for my dear friend who is going through a messy ugly divorce after many many years of abuse and emotional blackmail. I was skeptical of the author, as I don't consider Forward's most popular book to be particularly good, but this book is outstanding.
My friend and I have been reading it together in bits and pieces, relying on chapter and section headings to navigate to the currently relevent part. It's often eerie how Forward's words precisely capture the words of his abuser.
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Summary: A very useful and straightforward book
Review: I was given this book as a christmas gift - ironically by one of the people in my life who uses obligational emotional blackmail on me! The first half of the book gives examples of the types of behaviour that can be described as emotional blackmail, and then the second half gives strategies on how to deal with it. The many case studies are interesting, and I often found myself thinking "that's JUST how so-and-so talks to me." It helped me to recognise just how often I've been giving in to manipulative behaviour, and I've gradually begun to make changes. Thank you Susan! I would also recommend 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward - a book that made me weep with relief, as it described and explained how some harmful family patterns come about, and can be overcome.
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Summary: A Lifeline
Review: Stumbling across this book was like someone throwing me a lifeline. All of a sudden, there was a name for what I was existing, (not living) through. So many times as I read through the lists of "Tools of the Trade" in chapter 4, I have recognized manipulative behaviour techniques that were being used with great effectivness on me personally. (and also a few that I may have been guilty of using myself) The section on "Maintaining a Strong Connection" and the use of children as a weapon, was so applicable to my own situation, that the authors could have used my experiences in writing this case study. My copy of this book has many page tags stuck on various pages all through it, so I can refer quickly to a section for reasurance and strategy when dealing with major emotional blackmail. I have refered this book to several friends and they also have found it particularly useful. These days, when I am confronted with Fear,Obligation and Guilt tactics, coming from any source, my response is to say to myself, ah! yes, I recognise that line. Thanks Susan and Donna
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Summary: Excellent and great solutions
Review: The book goes into great depth about emotional blackmailers, and their techniques. Dr. Forward explains how the black mailer did not wake up one morning and decide to be a miserable so and so, but how they come to be how they are.
The best part of the book is the strategies to cope with a manipulator and to attack the issue, and not get back into the old lose-lose sparring match.
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