Rating: 
Summary: The subject that dare not speak its name
Review: Although my children are now grown, I easily related to Fox's difficulties as a new mother. I still have vivid memories of how utterly bored I was when I had just one child and how overwhelmingly depleted I felt when three more followed in close succession. Although I wallowed in motherhood for the 13 years I stayed home with them, looking back now from the vantage point of working full-time, I don't know how I survived and remained sane (though some may argue with the latter). The one part of Fox's turmoils I related to most viscerally was
about the competitiveness of mothers to be seen by others as perfect. Memories of me closely observing my children's playmates and their activities, clothes, toys, and books and then rushing to buy the same for mine, lest they fall behind or be permamently scarred somehow, still fill me with dread. Why was I so compulsive? I see some of that obsessiveness in those of my children who are now parents themselves and I am so tempted to to warn them; but I don't. They don't seem as bad as I was and they are working mothers, which apparently staves off a lot of the problems Fox faced. Fox readily observed that she dearly missed the adult-level discussions she had with her non-mother friends but it wasn't until I returned to the workforce that I realized how child-centric all my mother-friends and I were. Before that, I was utterly blind to the drivel of our conversations. No wonder I can't recall much of presidential elections, the state of the economy, and congressional legislation during the seventies and most of the eighties. It wasn't, as I had always thought, that the state of the world during those decades wasn't so interesting; I simply was not inclined to be well-informed of anything not related to child-rearing. Fox does not offer any solutions to the predicaments of mothers like us but simply acknowledging the problems and their sources renders the shadows of depression during early motherhood much more manageable. Fox also suggests that, as soon as possible and as much as possible, mothers of young children must re-establish themselves in the world outside constant parenthood -- not only for their own sanity but also for the benefit of their children who will then not always have to have a crazy mother.
Rating: 
Summary: Women doing a disservice to other women.
Review: If ever a woman should not be a mother, then Faulkner Fox is it. She is so busy keeping track of which parent is doing more in the house and with the children that she barely even mentions enjoying her children. Not only did she appear to be keenly depressed, she seemed angry at the world. Rather than focusing on what actually made her happy, she was obsessed with why she couldn't keep a clean house, make friends, what her husband's colleagues thought of her, etc. Talk about needy, this woman is someone so in need of confidence that I feel her children will spend millions in therapy. This book is wrongly recommended to pregnant and working moms.
Rating:
Summary: Fabulous and honest exploration of modern parenting
Review: My current situation at home is quite radically different from Fox's (I'm working nearly full time and currently, my husband is SAHD -- though this has not been entirely by choice and will reverse in about a month) and luckily, I actually don't have to endure the entrenched, not-always-conscious-or-deliberate sexism that Fox talks about. (In fact, my DH would have a lot to say about how sexism impacts his SAH experience). Nevertheless, I believe Fox's book is brilliant in exposing the myriad of ways in which even the best of non-sexist couples "somehow" end up reproducing the sexist constraints of our world. I am quite suspicious about the so-called "new" discovery that women are "choosing" SAHM status ... absent a broader discussion about culture, workplace policies, internalized sexism, and CLASS, all the new literature out there seems to be just more sexist drivel. Often, my mother friends and I have remarked that we have led such varied and interesting and politically active lives ... how is it that now, our lives all look so much "the same?" I am absolutely over-joyed to be a Mom and desperately wish I did not have to work nearly full time these last few months (my baby is nearly 8 months old); I have no problems with the idea of working part time (and that is what my husband wishes he could do, as well). That said, I also know that it sexist assumptions of the job market make it far easier (and far more pressured) for women to work part time (much easier than for men)-- whether they want to or not. I can also very profoundly relate to her comments in the "Judging Friends" chapter about the mommy-police, the infantalization of mothers, the absurb expectation that mothers can bond simply over being "mothers," etc. I find most mommy-and-me activities (and advertising) tedious, holier-than-thou and judgmental. Finally, I LOVED Fox's discussion about the need to maintain one's self -- not try to approximate a false-self as a mother. Not only are false-self mothers terrible for the Mom (depression, etc.) but also for our kids, as Fox astutely observes in her chapter, "Mother and Child." BRAVO! Even if it isn't all individually pertinent to each reader, it explores both the idiosyncratic and the cultural pressures of modern mothering. One cavaet: At times, I do agree that Fox's point of view sounds elitest -- and that she sometimes toots her own academic horn. But the comments about Fox's being "unrealistic," etc. are way off base, in my view. That is precisely her point: that in today's world, it is considered "unrealistic" for women to EXPECT and ASPIRE to be a mother, a vibrant "self" and an active participant in the broader world -- all at once.
Rating:
Summary: Telling it like it is
Review: Faulkner Fox has got it down: the physical endurance race of mothering very young children, the ongoing "who does more" battle politely (or not) fought in kitchens every night, the near-insane desire for a moment alone (I'm in the BATHROOM, honey!), the moms vs. moms battles that alienate women, and the crazy loving inspiring ways moms bring it all together. One of the funniest things I've ever read is the scene of Faulkner taking her 2 sons to an arty intellectual lecture at the university--given by a French-accented woman who had surgically augmented her head with horns! (And some moms think explaining why old Blacky died is hard!) Read this book quick and make sure your friends read it, too. Because you'll want to yak about whether Frequent Parenting Miles is the way to go... or not!
Rating:
Summary: A True-Voiced Essay
Review: To me the goodness of DISPATCHES lies not just or even primarily in its usefulness as a self-help book for ambivalent mothers. Rather, I find meaning about motherhood in its sucess as a literary essay--in its success as a "trial," to invoke the root meaning of the essay form--as something "not-so-perfect" precisely because it speaks truly. In her introduction Fox maintains that she writes "in the HOPE [emphasis mine] that [her] story could help other women feel less alone, less crazy and possibly less guilty." (14)But her work as a literary act does more than just hope. It communicates a realization of motherhood in actuality. DISPATCHES expresses a writer's first, ambivalent creative-daydreams of domesticity, then carries them THROUGH the harrowingly uncertain transition of the birth experience, and works them OUT onto the passion-killing, passion-filled page of lived experience: poop-filled, partner-compromising daily selfhood as a mother. Think of how F. Scott Fitzgerald communicates the reality of a nervous breakdown in "The Crack-Up." That essay would undoubtedly be useful as a self-help guide to mental health. Its heart,however, through all his psychological denials of self, is in its voice. Fox's voice, through all her psycological protections of her children and mate, is similarly at the heart of DISPATCHES.
Rating:
Summary: Motherhood therapy
Review: An excellent book. Any intelligent, active, independant woman who goes into motherhood with no fear of losing at least a portion of all three characteristices is a lot more optimistic than I know how to be. As a woman hesitating before the decision to take on motherhood, I found Fox to be the first person who didn't tell me, "There are no monsters in the closet, dear. You'll see, once you get pregnant, your feelings change." Instead, she admits having some monsters of her own, and tells how she deals with them, and this honesty I found somehow very strengthening. In effect, she opens the closet door on the monsters and shines the light of intelligent reflection onto them. For me, this works much better than being told that the monsters are all in my imagination. Granted, she has it lucky, something she admits often herself, and the mothering of a happy, healthy child in economic security is a gift. But it's not fair to diminish the act of motherhood by claiming it's all a gift, all good fortune, and no sacrificing or compromising of independance and self is made in the process. Intelligent and blunt, Fox has written her own experience with this side of motherhood with such unflinching honesty that it's motherhood therapy for the rest of us. A great book.
Rating:
Summary: Looking inward as well as outward, at society.
Review: I'm 45, a physician, married and have 2 kids, one with special needs. I don't have time for too many books, but this one really spoke to me. I read it as fast as I could because I felt like I was sitting down with an old friend to have coffee and talk for hours. Fox has the rare courage to share her life and thoughts with us!
The chapter on friends was my favorite as she too has experienced the tension that often runs between mothers.There is so much societal pressure and conflicting info out there. And I miss the long hours of talking with female friends in the past.
I also laughed when I read about Frequent Parenting Miles, because a week before I had started to bean count and was ashamed of myself in some ways. The book makes you feel like you're not alone.
It's just a very human book. Unique among the other books out there. Thanks Faulkner!
Rating:
Summary: An incredibly cathartic read
Review: I am so glad for the existence of this book. It is well written, and addresses many of the subtle emotions mothers feel. So many of us want, as Fox puts it, "meaningful work in the world and love." I recommend this book to every mother I know.
Rating:
Summary: A MUST READ for all mothers and fathers
Review: This is the best book of it's kind that I have read. It is intelligent, funny and courageously honest. Fox is not afraid to speak out loud all the taboo thoughts about mothering in today's world that most of us think but are too scared or ashamed to say. She powerfully states that selfhood and motherhood can go hand in hand and both mother and children will thrive! BRAVO!
Rating:
Summary: Unflinching honesty
Review: What I loved about this book was its unflinching honesty, about motherhood, "shared" parenting, and household management. I couldn't put it down, even in those sections where I didn't like what the author was saying, or doing. Time and again, I found myself relating to what Faulkner's comments about "Frequent Parenting Miles," household chores and how they suddenly, after motherhood, become the mother's nearly-sole responsibility, and about competitive mothering. This is a great book for a book group, because it is sure to spark intense, conflicted, and lively conversation.
|
